I'm going abroad - I'm leaving the country - I'm moving - I'm going travelling...none of those phrases seem to apply to me. When will it sink in? My lift to Portugal departs Tuesday morning; 6 days.
I've given my notice at the housing co-op where I live. I'm packing those belongings deemed inappropriate to life on the road into boxes, again, when they've only really just come out of them. Last week I got melancholy, panicky, desperately tearful, to be leaving those i love behind, as well as the project I've spent 7 years of my life working on. So this week is for reconnecting with my excitement, belief in being loved and the potential for longevity that love promises.
My to-do list comprises:
-Sort out my bicycle
-Buy necessary gear: thermals, biolite stove, robust trousers, devices
-Transfer knowledge to whoever will receive it here at the co-op, or record
-Purge and store possessions, give back many to lenders
-Fulfill obligations to farm our CSA, plaster the walls, help provide a party
I've sat at this computer most nights, 'researching' my options. Writing applications to EU Grundtvig training grants. Backing up my entire hardrive to the Google cloud. Registering on every network available; WWOOF, Helpx, thePoosh; in order to travel on my limited budget, and to learn, to develop skills. To satisfy my vaunted work ethic. And now I'm fannying around trying to make this blog look pretty; it's all such a prevarication. Beating around the bush, pretending It's a game.
There's fear, disbelief, a reluctance to lose control. Overwhelm at how much i have to do; paralysis. Hurt, at my family, and my coop members - and also loss. Hair twiddling. The tentative euphoria of falling in love, in the knowledge that physical contact will soon be cut off. Hope. Surprise.
I want to live on my bike, be self-sufficient, have unlimited time to wander at my own human pace. To be a buzzing honeybee bringing energy to projects across Europe; building, singing, dancing, growing, swimming, being naked outdoors, learn a trade, laugh, meet new people and be inspired and motivated and open and brave. To join a community of nomads. To explore being alone. To visit protest sites, farms, building sites, homes, community education centres, unclaimed spaces. To honour my creativity. To be appreciated, especially by myself. To develop a new role.
Ugh what a cliche. ''I'm going away to find myself'' What a hippy.
